8 signs your business partner is out to get you

As the editor of Hypergrid Business, I regularly hear from people with stories of projects that failed. Most of these don’t make it into print — nobody wants to go on the record in a story about things going wrong, no matter how useful or enlightening it may be for other would-be entrepreneurs.

And there are lots of lots of reasons why things don’t work out. Virtual worlds are such a new and quickly-evolving space, it’s easy to come out with a product that’s too early, or too late to a market. Or to have problems with technology. Or to have trouble explaining the benefits of your products or services to customers who could benefit a great deal — but can’t get past the whole “virtual” part.

In most of these cases, there was no way to know ahead of time that the project was going to fail. The only way to find out was to go ahead and try it. And even it failed once, twice, three times — it could still work for someone else in the future, at the right time, with the right technology, the right customers, or plain old luck.

But sometimes, the project fell apart because of a bad partnership. The trusted business partner turned out to be no so trustworthy after all, and doomed the business.

You can't always recognize criminals by their masks and guns. (Still from the movie Point Break.)

You can’t always recognize criminals by their masks and guns. (Still from the movie Point Break.)

I myself have been in a position where I put my trust in the wrong person, and was burned as a result. The easy reaction is to say, “I’ll never trust anyone again. I’ll run everything myself. I’ll be the sole owner and sole decision maker. I’ll micromanage everybody.”

But it turns out that there’s an alternative, and I came across it in a book with the super-cheesy title of “Life Code” by Dr. Phil McGraw. Yes, Oprah’s Dr. Phil. Although couched in a writing style and approach that seems suited to a daytime talk show, there’s actually some useful stuff here, based on McGraw’s experience as a business consultant, among other things. Who knew?

The good stuff is in the first half of the book, about how to identify bad guys, and spot the techniques they use to manipulate you and con you.

In retrospect, all these warning signs were there for me, but I didn’t recognize them at the time. With this checklist, I now have a tool for evaluating potential business partners or key employees. I can go ahead and rely on people, but if they ring any warning bells, I’ll know to stop and do a more thorough background check.

It’s Reagan’s old “trust but verify” motto in practice.

So here are eight warning signs you might be dealing with someone who can’t be trusted. If you come across one of these signs, investigate. There could be a reasonable explanation, or it could turn out to be the tip of an evil iceberg and you’ll have saved yourself a lot of grief, and spared yourself the agony of having a business go under before it even had a chance to prove itself.

1. Sense of entitlement

Some people believe that they are meant to be great, and if they work hard for it, they will get there. Other people believe that they deserve to be great even if they don’t work hard and that people who do work hard are just schmucks. To them, you are the schmuck, and they’re happy to let you do all the work while they step in and take all the profit.

Maybe they had too much self-esteem as children. These people think that they are entitled to get what they want. They’ll lie, cheat, steal and be proud of it, too. As long as they get their way, they are winners.

You can spot them because they think that they are better than other people. They demand trust and respect without having earned it. They’re unhappy when other people have success that they don’t, and accuse them of having cheated their way to get there.

The clever ones will try to disguise this attitude because they’ve learned it doesn’t play well, but it will still come out.

For example, they might say that they were almost successful in their previous business, but their former partner sunk the ship. Now, with you, they can finally build the kind of company that they want to build. They will make you feel sorry for them, that they haven’t been able to achieve their dreams. They will tell you that the did everything right, that they deserved to be successful. And they are completely convinced that they will be.

Now, every entrepreneur has to have some degree of optimism and confidence — otherwise, they’ll never get anywhere. But if it goes too far, into entitlement, especially at the expense of other people, do some digging. Did they really do everything right in their former business, or did they screw everything up, while the partner actually did all the work?  Do they really care about the business plan, or is it just their stepping stone to quick success, and they’re just echoing your enthusiasm back to you?

2. No empathy

Do they feel bad for someone who is suffering? We might all laugh at pratfalls, but once we see that someone is actually in pain, we’ll stop and help. Empathy is what keeps us from royally screwing over our customers, employees, business partners, and investors.

When they suffer, we suffer with them.

But some people just don’t care.

When my old company went out of business, I suffered a lot. Okay, there was a blow to my ego, but you recover from that quickly. What still bothers me was having to lay off my employees. I had to fire people who trusted me, because I messed up. Okay, the financial crisis didn’t help, but, at the end of the day, it was my company and my responsibility for how I reacted to the downturn.

The fact that other people had to pay for my mistakes still bothers me. A lot.

Most human beings would feel the same. You forget your own pain much more quickly than the pain you caused others. I don’t like awake at night revisiting the pain of childbirth or of back surgery. But the expression on a friend’s face when I accidentally said something that really hurt — that stays with me.

The guys who want to stay away from are the ones who are exactly the opposite. They feel every slight intensely, but are completely obvious to the pain they cause others. They’ll be oblivious to the pain they cause you, your customers, your employees, and your investors.

Worse still, they’ll tell you about all the miseries that they experienced, in order to get sympathy out of you. They’ll screw everybody over, and then rub salt in the wounds by trying to sell you a sob story. To them, empathy is just a weakness in other people, a weakness to be exploited.

Pay attention to how they treat people who are less powerful than they are. Do they walk all over them without a care? Are they willing to lie and manipulate to get what they want, without taking into account the suffering they cause? Do they try to pass of this attitude as being business-savvy? Do they tell you that you have to toughen up to be in business, and make you feel bad for actually caring about your employees or customers?

You don’t want that kind of attitude anywhere near you. It’s poison.

3. No guilt, no remorse, no lessons learned

Most of us, when we do something wrong, we feel bad. That feeling inspires us to try to do better next time. To plan ahead for economic downturns. To set aside reserves.  We learn from our mistakes.

The toxic people you most want to stay away from don’t learn from their mistakes. They don’t feel sorry for what they did. They blame everyone and everything but themselves.

You can spot them by the fact that everything bad that happened in their life was someone else’s fault. And also by the fact that they have a hard time giving an honest apology.

“I’m sorry, I was wrong. I won’t do this again. Meanwhile, what can I do to make things up to you?”

That’s what a real apology sounds like.

A faker, instead, will say something like: “I’m sorry you took that the wrong way.” Or: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

In effect, they’re blaming you for the mistake.

People who can’t take responsibility, who feel no guilt, who think they’re always doing the right thing have no reason to learn from past failures. And they won’t change.

Someone who always has an excuse for being late, each excuse less believable than the last, will never learn to leave for a meeting a few minutes earlier. They’ve convinced themselves that the problem wasn’t their procrastination, but the traffic, or the weather, or the football game, or the school bus, or the flat tire, or that one red light they hit on the way over.

Be careful not to confuse this with saving face. You might be late for a meeting because you lost track of the time, but lie and blame the traffic — even though you know it was your own fault. If you get caught in the lie, you’ll be embarrassed. Most people will make up excuses at one time or another. But they don’t actually believe those excuses, and when pressed, might cough up the real reason.

The fakers believe their own lies, and make the same mistakes again and again.

4. Self-destructive tendencies

Toxic people take the short-term view, going for quick self-gratification. They’ll lie to the customer to land the account. They’ll lie to an employer to get a job. They’ll lie to coworkers to steal their work. They’ll lie to investors, they’ll lie to you. And, at first, their tactics might seem to work. They land the customer, the job, the credit for work well done, the investment money.

And then they’ll lose it all again. They’ll ascribe the win to their own cleverness, and the loss to external factors.

Over and over again. Eventually, everyone around them will catch on to the pattern, and start distancing themselves as much as they can.

5. Love of drama

Some people get involved in drama against their will, and do their best to reduce tensions. Some people get caught up more than once through unfortunate coincidence.

And some people have drama and crisis circling around them everywhere they go.

Of course, it’s never their fault. It’s always other people.

Check with the other folks involved and find out whether they’re just spectacularly unlucky, or whether they like to stir things up.

Related behaviors include angry fits and temper tantrums. Some folks don’t mind leaving scorched earth behind them if they don’t get their way.

Imagine the kind of damage this can cause in a company.

6. Proud of their scams

None of us are perfect. We sometimes treat other people badly, fib on our taxes, put a positive spin on our resumes. And we usually worry about it a bit, try not to broadcast it around.

Folks who don’t think they did anything wrong, and don’t sympathize with their victims, see successful scams as just that — success. So they have no problem bragging about it.

They’ll brag about cheating on their taxes, their spouses, service providers — anybody and everybody. If they cheat those guys guys, they’ll cheat you.

7. Short term relationships

Scammers tend to go through partners like potato chips. They sound great when you first meet them. They can be very persuasive, charismatic. They’ll flatter you, listen to you to find out what you’re looking for, then tell you exactly what you want to hear. They’ll sound too good to be true.

But they can’t deliver, so the partnerships end quickly.

Unfortunately, in the virtual worlds space, people like this can simply create new identities and move on.

A good rule of thumb is not to do any real business, not to invest any more money than you can afford to lose, with people with no history and nobody who can vouch for them.

8. Delusional fantasy world

We all want to live in a fantasy world where we are the heros and can do no wrong. Some people actually do live there. Some are so convinced they can actually pass a lie detector test.

That world can be extremely appealing, and you might be tempted to join them. That world might even be crafted deliberately to draw you in. These delusions can include delusions of grandeur.

Unfortunately, when a delusion meets reality, reality usually wins.

The average person — say, someone with a dream they want to make come true — can adjust to setbacks. If my dream is to become a ballerina, but I’m a 50-year old out-of-shape guy, I will probably soon realize that this isn’t possible. But I might write a novel about a ballerina heroine, I might become a choreographer, open a ballet school, help fundraise for a ballet company — I can adjust my dream in many different ways.

A delusional person, however, would ignore reality and continue with the fantasy.

To the degree that this fantasy touches on your business, it will be a cancer that eats away at any potential for success. Events that contradict the fantasy will be ignored or explained away. People who try to bring in a reality check will be undermined or driven away.

Nobody needs that in a business, especially a risky cutting-edge technology startup.

 

 

 

 

maria@hypergridbusiness.com'

Maria Korolov

Maria Korolov is editor and publisher of Hypergrid Business. She has been a journalist for more than twenty years and has worked for the Chicago Tribune, Reuters, and Computerworld and has reported from over a dozen countries, including Russia and China.

  • Um, why do you enumerate only 7, Maria, though the title says 8?

    Otherwise, I agree with you. Those are all signs, and would add one more.

    Its when they start weighing contributions to a project. In a true team atmosphere, it doesn’t matter who contributed what for everyone gains the benefit of a successful project. But, when someone starts comparing how much some have contributed compared to others, that creates feelings of jealousy in some, feelings of inadequacy in others. Some become stressed because they think they have to contribute more while others will slack off thinking they are contributing too much. Eventually, it falls apart as everybody loses their commitment to the project.

    • Thanks for the note, just fixed it! Actually, I’m about to do another column on just the topic you mentioned.

      The issue of who contributed how much is a natural human issue, however, and can be dealt with with good management.

      The issue of having a bad guy or gal on board — well, there’s no fix for that.

      I remember reading a sales book (I think it was “The Sales Bible” by Gitomer) about bad salespeople and how they can destroy a business. Say you’re a car dealership. A guy shows up who’s racked up tons of sales at other dealerships where he’s worked. You hire him, and he racks up great numbers. You give him a great recommendation when he moves on. Then the chickens come home to roost. Customers fell victim to high-pressure sales, bought cars they didn’t want or need, paid too much, and have told everyone they know to stay away from you. He promised them all sorts of stuff that you can’t deliver, and now you’re stuck. And you find out that he stole sales from other salespeople, and your best guys have quit as a result.

      And now you know why he moved on so soon. He has to keep moving to stay ahead of his reputation.

      Life will eventually catch up with these guys. They’ll do something illegal and end up in jail, or they’ll pick up a drug addiction, or wind up working for one of those pyramid vacuum or vitamins sales scams.

      But you don’t want to be one of his waypoints on his get-rich-quick path.

      • I know that guy!!

        I wonder how many of them are a product of today’s “Produce! Produce!” work world

        • I think you can temporarily force people to do bad things against their will. I have a friend who — very briefly — held a high-pressure vacuum cleaner sales job.

          Or you can move them a little bit from their preferred ethical position with a high salary.

          But, over time, I think people gravitate to jobs that don’t put too much of a strain on their conscience.

          And, personally, I’ve only really met one person who seemed to actually lack a conscience. (I may have met others and didn’t realize it, of course!) But as a journalist, I’ve met rapists, and mass murderers, and criminals of all kinds and, at the end of the day, many were willing and ready to do the right thing when they had the opportunity. I got the sense that these people felt bad about what they did, felt they were backed into a corner and had no choice, and would gladly grab a chance at redemption if they could.

          Like the war vets who come back from the war zones with nightmares about the things they did over there that years of therapy can’t erase.

          No, the people I’m writing about in this article actually enjoy doing harm. Given the choice of doing the right thing and the wrong thing, they’ll do the wrong thing if it gives them the slightest advantage. Or just for fun.

          And when you try to appeal to their sense of decency, they just look at you like you’re a crazy person speaking gibberish.

          Luckily for me, the person who I dealt with had reasonably minor goals, and while they did some financial (and emotional) damage, it wasn’t too bad and could have been much, much worse.

          • meribast

            At the end of the day, people have choices, and their choices define who they are, especially when the choices aren’t palatable to them. Sometimes people aren’t intelligent enough to see the choices ahead of them and therefore think they have no choice or that if the alternate choice involves discomfort to themselves, for them there is no choice, because they’ve made decisions about what is acceptable to them and if their own well being is paramount over all other considerations, it doesn’t obviate them from personal responsibility.

            Your 8 guidelines also work in choosing a boss or any relationship, much as you’ve said that these guidelines have come out of marriage counseling. Good stuff!

    • meribast

      Time to get people that are committed and have good work ethics (believe in earning what they get paid for). The people who aren’t committed to doing a good job fall under #1. Sense of Entitlement.

  • Very good article-)) My comments are already to long for my limited attention span but I made a few notes.

    Coming from doing business in several regards in my own life I have seen all of this in various iterations.

    Mostly I found, personally, doing a sole proprietorship appealed to me, but having worked in Real Estate for many years the “team” effort and “working together” as well as being independent in many regards, encompassed much of this you speak to.

    RE, though it can be simple if one sticks to just home sales, for instance, can also be quite complicated. If you are just a sales agent, and do not attain being a Broker, you must always answer to, and follow, the Broker’s vision, or find another one to sponsor your license. Then you have multiple customers depending upon what you do, such as home sales, commercial sales, Homeowner Association Management, etc. etc. There a multiple facets to independent and team efforts in RE.

    When one is a sole proprietor they only answer to the customer, and if they have customers in the same or similar type of business, their reputation is extremely important…people talk among themselves. It is much easier to have a disparate customer base where they do not easily, if at all, talk amongst themselves, to have negative business practises.

    However, your article points to difficulties there also, as relates to this virtual reality stuff. Anywho, my cut and paste next, for what it is worth….lol

    “Some people believe that they are meant to be great, and if they work hard for it, they will get there. Other people believe that they deserve to be great even if they don’t work hard and that people who do work hard are just schmucks. To them, you are the schmuck, and they’re happy to let you do all the work while they step in and take all the profit.”

    There was some article I read someplace about how this applies, in some regards, to virtual worlds….the god-complex…and I do think it is a serious problem, especially in most commercial type grids. I believe it is running people off too.

    “Do they feel bad for someone who is suffering? We might all laugh at pratfalls, but once we see that someone is actually in pain, we’ll stop and help. Empathy is what keeps us from royally screwing over our customers, employees, business partners, and investors. When they suffer, we suffer with them. But some people just don’t care.”

    One problem that comes into play here is that they are also, often, very good at disquising their lack of empathy by using words with no actual substance. Mere words often are accepted by most people because they just do not care to look more deeply. It is the selfish motives of some people that prevail.

    “Pay attention to how they treat people who are less powerful than they are. Do they walk all over them without a care? Are they willing to lie and manipulate to get what they want, without taking into account the suffering they cause? Do they try to pass of this attitude as being business-savvy? Do they tell you that you have to toughen up to be in business, and make you feel bad for actually caring about your employees or customers? You don’t want that kind of attitude anywhere near you. It’s poison.”

    There is a wise saying that goes something like this, “the true character of a person is shown by how they treat those less fortunate [or weak or disabled, etc]”

    “You can spot them by the fact that everything bad that happened in their life was someone else’s fault. And also by the fact that they have a hard time giving an honest apology. “I’m sorry, I was wrong. I won’t do this again. Meanwhile, what can I do to make things up to you?” That’s what a real apology sounds like. A faker, instead, will say something like: “I’m sorry you took that the wrong way.” Or: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

    I really wish some people in this VR stuff would sincerily apologize for wrongs they have done that have hurt others [and publicly, and in a timely way]. I don’t hold my breath in this regard.

  • A follow-up note: There’s a saying in marriage counseling (where I learned much of what I needed to know about running a business!) that you can deal with anything except abuse, addiction, and adultery. Those are the three things that the other person has to fix on their own.

    Everything else, you can manage even if the other person doesn’t want to change. If they’re messy, you can hire a maid, or learn to live with the mess. If they’re chronically late, you can team them up with a more responsible co-worker, give them fake deadlines, give them time management training, etc…

    But I would add “lack of empathy” to this list. If the person you’re dealing with cares significantly more about themselves than about other people, to the extent that they’re willing to lie, cheat, and steal, then there’s really nothing you can do. You can’t negotiate with them. If they promise to change, they’re lying. If they go to counseling, they learn to hide their lack of empathy better. If they seem to change, it’s because they’re working on something bad and big in secret.

    The only thing you can do is get those people our of your life, and the sooner, the better. The more time they spend with you, the more opportunities they have to do harm.

    • Serendipity Seraph

      Actually, in a small startup environment the biggest killer is that the partner really doesn’t quite “get it” down to their core or has odd ideas about what it takes to make the venture succeed to an extent that you spend too much time in endless meta-arguments.

    • Roger

      Good article, to the point. What if the person is a family member.

  • Serendipity Seraph

    Sometimes the partner is great and a wonderful person. But they just aren’t the right person for doing the particular project/business with. A common mistake is picking a partner based on already knowing and trusting and liking the person but not really evaluating much whether they are the best person to do the particular venture with. Sometimes you just can’t know until you try to do whatever it is together.

  • GnikGnak

    Excellent article. You have described somebody in my business almost perfectly. We’ve literally had to organise our activities like a chess game so that his “ways” are safeguarded against and he finds himself with less options, authority and places to hide. I am so grateful that I have another very strategic partner in the business who saw these flaws very quickly and has organised a number of moves that allows the rest of the owners to be in a better position. What’s worse for me is that that this guy is a family member, and our personal relationship is now at stake. However, after talking to my closes relatives I have assurance that they would be on my side if things went sour. I know that I have done nothing “wrong”, only “right”, and if he ever thinks he can win one of his emotional arguments, then I have several counter-arguments ready like arrows on my back that I can use to shoot him down. It’s such a shame to be in this position.

    The key to winning or escaping with what is rightfully yours in these situations is to consistently safeguard your position whilst allowing their ego to be flattered when they want it to. When things come to a head and they are not prepared to negotiate on your terms you can simply walk away with as much as possible intact, such as your reputation, investment, clients and assets etc. If they are prepared to negotiate then they will find them-self with a harsh wake-up call, which is then their choice on how to deal with it. Good luck to you and remember, always protect yourself!

  • meribast

    #4 might be better called for the common theme in it: being a liar. Not those kinds of lies that you tell that have few negative consequences that you say to make people feel better, but lying to get over on someone, to manipulate, to deceive, to gain an undue advantage.

    I see on the internet #1 – 3 and #4 is you qualify it as LYING especially casually and #6 usually all in the same people. It is as if its part of the culture. That these same people would do anything else in their “real” lives seems unlikely except for the existence of strong consequences and the surety of being caught; that it is a consequence-free environment just lets you see the real them.

    Who we are when nobody is looking is the real us.

  • Tom Psillas

    This is one of the bext articles I have read. I had a sales person apply for a job I had at my company. He seemed great, spoke the talk, and I was expecting great things from him. He bragged that he sold $70K of leads in one week. hen it came time for Charles to show me the money, Poof, like magic he disappeared.
    I should have known. He spoke of how he cleaned the slate and took off overseas for a year. Left his wife, kids, all responsibilities.
    I even have or had some of these tendencies you wrote about. I had a hard time making my fantasies a reality. OK, I could blame others, because they failed me, like Charles, but it that really his fault? No. Iti s my fault for not seeing that in him, or several others before him. If I learned how to hire better, I could have avoided at least 50% of the bad hires. That is nobody else’s fault, but my own. That is a valuable lesson to learn. You always learn new things in life. That is life.
    Now, I must go make some sales.
    Thanks

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  • Cheating Business partners should be burnt alive..